Dear Esteemed Representative of the Poison Ivy Species for the National Interspecies Defense and Equality Team,
It has recently come to my attention that your natural protective methods are not sound. It is the personal opinion of me, and of others like me, that you should perhaps turn neon blue and flash colors to alert ignorant humans as to your position?
Most members of my esteemed species feel no desire to cause you any harm. However, you are often quite invisible among foliage. If we do make mistakes and potentially squash or rub up against you, it is not polite or fair at all to repay us with itchy red blisters that take weeks to heal. As the owner of a highly sensitive body, one of your kind has recently caused a systemic reaction over my total surface area just before my long-awaited summer camp, significantly dimming my level of fun.
I extend my condolences to whichever vine of poison ivy I may have startled, but please notify the plant in question of my unfortunate situation.
Once again, it would solve many problems if your species were to simply flash neon blue when in a situation of potential danger rather than excreting painful oils. This would be a win-win between our species, as we would notice and move away from you, sparing you the discomfort of touching us, and sparing us the discomfort of touching you.
Please take my suggestion into account and commence evolving in this desired direction as soon as possible. Thank you.,
Sincerely,
A concerned poison ivy victim,
Member of the Equal Rights League,
Lillian Johndreau
Hello Lil-
Thanks for your kind requests! The vine you told me about—her name’s Anja, by the way—is currently unconscious in the hospital. I sent her a card with your name, though. I’m really very sorry for any discomfort she might have caused you, but you see, poison ivy is injured more easily than you might think. No offense, of course—I know you’re just a human.
Though our stems and leaves are tough, our chlorophyll, the plant equivalent of a brain, by the way, is sensitive. We automatically send out our oils without meaning to, even if we feel bad about hurting you. But did you know that PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stepping Disorder) is the most common cause of death for vines?
TO BE CONTINUED