This is satire. I do not agree with any of the opinions or
views I voice in the essay Birds Are Cool and Interesting.
Have you ever looked up at the sky and seen a “bird” and thought, “Wow, that’s a totally normal thing to see flying in the sky”? Well, you were wrong. These “birds” are not, in fact, what you think they are. They are carefully crafted government androids designed to spy and keep tabs on the world population.
But what evidence, you may ask, do we have? Well, first, the most often cited piece of information is that birds seemingly enjoy sitting on powerlines. Well, they’re charging, obviously. But what about places in the wild with no powerlines? Well, the birds there use a complicated bio-fuel system where they process the organic intake from the “prey” item and turn it into fuel. This also explains the higher density of pigeons and other birds in cities, as birds that perch on wires are easier to mass-produce, as they don’t need the complicated biofuel system that birds in less densely populated areas do.
Secondly, birds are just, like, really weird. Like, have you seen one? They have feathers that no other animal has and really just serve as antennas to transmit data back to HQ. Plus, most of the traits they have are pretty suspicious. For example, some of the most common birds in cities are pigeons and crows, which both can recognize human faces even if they change clothes. Coincidence? I think not! Owls can turn their heads 270 degrees—perfect for surveillance. Can’t sneak up on Big Brother if Big Brother is an owl with a 360° webcam neck. Birds navigate using the Earth’s magnetic field, which is just built-in GPS. Lyrebirds can play sounds of construction, chainsaws, cameras, car alarms, and more. If not a song, they’re just playing back audio for quality assurance purposes. Also, some birds can sleep while flying. You know what else doesn’t need rest? Autonomous surveillance drones. Woodpeckers’ tongues wrap around their skulls. That’s not a tongue—it’s clearly wiring insulation. You’re welcome. Crows can hold grudges and teach each other about bad humans. You know who else operates on shared threat databases? The NSA. Their nests look awfully like disguised scout and sniper towers. And they have hollow bones to hide wiring.
But what’s gonna process all that data? Seven words: Cloud-Linked Hyper-Intelligent Information Collection Kernel for Encrypted Neural Surveillance, or “C.H.I.C.K.E.N.,” and turkeys kinda. But how? Well, each “C.H.I.C.K.E.N.” is one node in a supercomputer called a “Farm” that receives and processes all the data collected by the other “birds.” This is why most chickens are kept in such cramped conditions with so little space—they need to be kept close together to function. Because no sane human would ever keep an animal in such cramped conditions. In addition, supercomputers usually have tens of thousands of nodes, and coincidentally, that’s how many chickens are on a farm. This also indirectly explains the taste of chicken meat—as to have it not stand out to the public, they made it the blandest and most non-descript meat of all time.
But how do they maintain and keep all these drones active and serviced? I believe the government uses multiple systems in tandem to keep them working and transmitting. First, “birders”—these are unwitting interns of the government, tracking and reporting on drone behavior. Second, migration. Most birds migrate to the same places every year to get a yearly software update. Third, avian “veterinarians” are really just secret tech interns. When a bird is beyond repair, it’s decommissioned via hawk strike, car “accident,” or housecat “attack.” Then it’s replaced during a routine migration cycle.
But don’t get me wrong—real flesh-and-blood birds did exist, but they were all systematically extinguished, with only a few real species left scattered throughout the world. The government then replaced them with millions of “birds” after the Second World War when the public was shaken and it would be easier to hide documents and allow phasing of a “new species.” But the scheme might have deeper roots. Ever wonder why the bald eagle—a BIRD—is our national symbol? I believe that even the Founding Fathers had the beginnings of the plan and might have mounted cameras to eagles but had not implemented it widely due to technical issues.
Now, some government book-lickers might say, “But birds are biological creatures. We’ve been studying them for centuries!” But have you ever heard of biological deepfakes? And who’s funding these “textbooks”? Or, “Why would the government use birds when we have satellites and stuff?” Well, satellites can’t swoop from the sky and poop on dissidents now, can they?! “But how do they transmit all the data to the chickens?” Well, every morning when you hear the birds tweeting, they’re transmitting data. And the morning, when they tweet the loudest, is peak bandwidth—because no one’s awake! “You have no evidence!” Well, did the Founding Fathers have evidence when they made America? No!
This might all seem very frightening so I have figured out a foolproof way to guard against from these feathered assailants. Wear specific headgear that will protect yourself from their prying eyes. This headgear is also easy to make. You just need a thin sheet of aluminum or tinfoil which you wrap around your head to make a hat. This foil blocks their sensors and reflects the sun’s rays back at them, making you invisible to their scanners. And if you’re too lazy to make it yourself you can purchase them on my website.
To close: The avians known as “birds” are just feathered spy drones that collect data on the unwitting public and send it to the C.H.I.C.K.E.N. farms (Cloud-Linked Hyper-Intelligent Information Collection Kernel for Encrypted Neural Surveillance) by “singing”—which, as any rational thinker knows, is just a high-frequency data transmission protocol masked as chirping. This data is then harvested, decoded, and distributed, including but not limited to the CIA, FBI, NSA, FDA, DHS, IRS, DOT, EPA, DOJ, DOE, NASA, DMV and Russia. So the next time you see a sparrow watching you eat lunch, or a seagull following your every step at the beach, give it a good think: are they really biological?